Thursday, January 8, 2009

Ode to Mark DeRosa

Not blogging for an entire week has wreaked havoc in my life. Not only did I not discuss the departure of my favorite Cub, but I also did not name a hero of the week. And not ONE of my (two) readers called me out! I apologize Tina and Julie, not only for letting you down, but I also apologize because my lack of sensitivity to your senility has resulted in a less hilariously ironic and witty blog.

Woe. Is. Me. Why, Jim Hendry, did you have to dump ALL THAT SALARY (MARK DE ROSA) FOR MILTON BRADLEY? My wasted heart aches for the scruffy countenance of Mr. De Rosa's sculpted cheek bones glinting in the sun as he steps up to the plate already, and the players haven't even reported to spring training yet. I know that we need a power bat to shake up our lineup, but was it really necessary to trade the heart-and-soul of our team for someone who has played 100 games only ONCE and that was four years ago? I'm not going to say anything else about Milton Bradley because, frankly, I'm afraid that saying anything negative about him will cause him to beat me up. I'm afraid of him.


This may cause me to root for the Indians this year.



Do we really want someone on the team who's name, when entered into a google image search, brings up THIS at the number eight result?

Woe. Is. Me.


Wednesday... alarm at 6:45 --> out of bed at 7 --> didn't shower cause the aunts were still sleeping and the only rule about their shower is that no one is allowed to use whilst they are sleeping (should I not share that I haven't showered today?) --> managed to put some mascara onto my overly-tired looking eyes --> dropped Livi off at the Bakes --> Starbucks for my Venti coffee --> Deutsch, Kresge 4-350 --> Work in Kresge 1-353 --> Cultural Anthro, Tech M345 --> tanning --> Michigan Ave --> covert mission for Aunt Pat (I can't go into the details) --> Cracked.com reading articles for an inordinate amount of time --> Livi up from the Bakes --> finished essay for an internship that I would give my left arm for --> futzing around with Maggie and Seth --> futzing around with Livi --> ordered some delicious pizza for a nutrious dinner --> learned that I am now one degree of separation away from Anderson Cooper.


The ULTIMATE Silver Fox...he haunts my dreams.

Written down, it looks like I've done so much more than I actually have today...Fail? Is there such a thing as half a fail? Well, there is now. It's called a demi-Fail and it applies in situations where a normal Fail is not quite applicable, but you deserve some sort of recognition for not excelling at life. Done and done.

Upon hearing the phrase, "the bee's knees", does anyone else conjure up an image of a cartoon bumble bee wearing a bowler hat doing that dance where you put your hands on your knees and then cross and un-cross your arms whilst bowing your knees in and out? No? Just me? Awkward.

Seth spent about four hours playing a game on his computer where he had to battle "Orcs" (and no, it wasn't a Lord of the Rings game, apparently) and was narrated by someone who has the voice of James Earle Jones mixed with Jeremy Irons (Darth Vader + Scar = She-ra, princess of power?) and I told him "I'm going to blog the shit out of you and your lame computer game Seth" to which he replied "You're a bitch" and retreated to the basement. When you're not looking, the un-buttoned pink oxford shirt and Hermes cologne fades away and the kid with the too-short long johns and over-sized Dr. Howard Elementary School tee-shirt comes back to play War Hammer and talk about Legos.
Proof:
sethd223 (10:48:02 PM): be up in a bit
cfine26 (10:48:09 PM): k
sethd223 (10:48:11 PM): i'm conquering shit



You know you're a Hipster when...

1) False. People freak the fuck out when you call them a hipster, which I totally don't get. To me, being a hipster implies a trend relating to the way that people dress, not some sort of anti-establishment bullshit "social revolution" brought on by bored kids with too much money to rebel against NOTHING cause there is absolutely nothing for these kids to be rebelling against. It is completely and totally stupid to be offended if someone says something along the lines of, "you're looking hipster today", or, "did you get that at American Apparel, hipster mcgee?" The "Hipster" movement is nothing more than a fashion trend that's sweeping the naysh (read: abbrev. for nation you old people) and has been given a bad name by anorexic socialite dudes who have nothing to do but spend some more money at Untitled. So calm the fuck down and smoke another Parliament to get the taste of that last PBR out of your mouth (right, Gracie?!). COUNT IT!



www.toothpastefordinner.com

In other news, I just got another large cardigan and a new pair of bright leggings to wear with my Toms and vintage purse whilst listening to the new M83 album. Boo-yah on my own self.

Especially for Grace: Kiki Kannibal ("Scene Queen" = one who takes emo/hipster fashion to a whole new level of outrageous to illicit gasps and long looks from strangers). She is my new obsession for no other reason than I can't look away.


I fear for the future.

How long do you think it takes her to get ready in the morning?

Hero of the day: Captain and Tennille. Have you even listened to "Love Will Keep us Together"? It's a fucking classic. And the "Captain"? His real name is DARYL DRAGON. TOP THAT! These two have been going at it since 1972. Heroic is almost not a strong enough word. Almost.


I don't know how you get hair to go around one's face like that, but I want to.

Currently listening to: Sigur Ros, Takk
Currently reading: Kontakte: A Communicative Approach (Yeah, it's my German textbook)
Currently Craving: Some hilarious Livi quotes, cause I've been seriously lacking.

Peace, Love, and Crashcans. And Chetchup. And Fings.

-Blowfish

11 comments:

  1. First of all, you do NOT have a player named Milton Bradley. Lame.
    Secondly, both mommies sleeping at 6:45am? What gives?
    Thirdly, one degree of separation from Anderson Cooper? 'splain please.
    Fourthly, do old people understand your abbrevs for naysh? Natch.
    Hero of the week? I nominate myself.

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  2. 1.Milton Bradley? You're joking. How 'bout those Brewers?
    2.Did anyone see Rachel Maddow on Daily Show? Adore her.
    3.Sorry that's not re: your blog. Too bad.
    4.Abbrevs? Hah! "Natch? Natch who?!" (Anne Fine)
    5.I second the nomination. Aye. Motion passed.

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  3. And please appreciate the fact that since it took me FIVE tries to get my stupid comments published, I'm now going to be late for work.

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  4. not to mention the fact that now I"m dizzy from those squiggly word identification things. Damn.

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  5. 6. Is is just me, or is that girls upper part way too big for her lower part?

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  6. and why does she have a raccoon on her head? Is that a hipster thing?

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  7. if you have to ask, you ain't hipster. natch.

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  8. you're going to lose your most loyal follower, read: me, if you don't start updating this thing.

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  9. me too; get busy.

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  10. interesting that there are more comments than posts.

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  11. I agree. Come, Tina, let's go to IM and be done with this.

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