Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I think I'm having a quarter-life crisis

Things I enjoy: LISTS! So....

1. Arsenal 1-0 Roma!
2. Neon: the new black
3. Obama's speech: the empire strikes back?
4. Did you know that you can drive from one end of Germany to the other in like, eight hours?
5. If I were an animal, I would be a duck-billed platypus.
6. A super power that only allows you to do something really trivial, like, blow bubbles out of your nose or something would so not be worth it.

heeeeeey Katie!

Sorry for my sabbatical. At least I didn't have Muzak playing in the background while I was gone.

I would do a facebook 25 things list (and based on my love for lists, you would think I would've already done this), but:
a) There are not 25 things that people don't know about me - my life is an open book people.
b) I am far too lazy. Look at how often I update this mofo. Exactly.

Remember when I asked for applications from people who would like to become my mortal enemy? Well, I've finally gotten one. He didn't submit a formal application, but I assume that by sleeping on my face every night he means, "I want to systematically try and sabotage your life and everything you stand for." That's right folks, I'd like to announce Dusty the Cat as my mortal enemy. Even though he doesn't have the normal qualifications for such a position (political power, thumbs, etc.), he sure is far today, he's:
1. Bitten my toes relentlessly
2. sat on my desk and knocked things over just to see them fall
3. tried to get into my backpack and come to school with me so that he can further exert his kitty asshole-ness in Kresge hall
4. tried to knead my face with his claws/talons
5. attempted to lull me into a false sense of security by curling up into a ball and looking cute so that when I let my guard down he'll try and frame me for murder or some such thing.
...he is a worthy opponent.

I think I saw him and his sidekick Manhattan the puppydog memorizing the blueprints to what looked like a bank vault.

"Saucy Minx" is my favorite descriptive phrase.

i.e, "That German Chancellor Angela Merkel is one saucy minx"

Eric Patrick Harper is coming to Evanston...

Hero of the day: The Chicago Cubs, for beginning their spring training season by starting Jeff Samardzija against the team that beat them in last years' play-offs, the Los Angeles Dodgers.

You gotta do better than that, Lou.

Currently reading: Empire Falls by Richard Russo
Currently listening to: my iPod on shuffle (aka the most random assortment of music ever)
Currently craving: new kicks

Peace, love, and hipsterdom.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Can I call you Mrs. Shifty?

The cutest french guy in my anthro class can't ever remember English words and he does one of those, "whut eez the word??". Rawsome. Almost as rawsome as Capucine*, but then again, nothing in life is as rawsome as she is.

*if you don't know: and watch away in order to better your life and your understanding of the human experience.

I want to move to France and ride on a motorcycle with her in my side car.

To add to the hilarity of your day: I am currently using one of Livi's old backpacks to carry all of my crap. So, this is me today: my green and red Dunks, UChicago sweat pants, big brown puffy jacket, bright blue backpack filled to the brim with crap, giant sunglasses, and messy hair pulled into a bun. And a diet coke. And a fail. I look like an overgrown kindergartner who has a bad hangover.

I decided to add this extra post to discuss several things that have been pissing me off as I walk up and down Sheridan Road (and yes, I've become bitter and angry in my old age):

1. girls that talk REALLY loudly about how drunk/what stupid shit they did the previous night and/or weekend. I don't care what a slut you are, how many shots you did, or how much your head hurts right now. Not only are you killing a kitten every time you say the words, "but I don't remember who I made out with!!!" but you are also shuffling your Tory Burch flats down the sidewalk in such a slow manner that you are creating a traffic jam when I need to book it over to the Anthro department office for my next class. SHUT UP AND WALK.

2. People that shout to each other across Sheridan Road. Unless it's me and Seth, cause we are never obnoxious or loud.

3. People that bike down Sheridan Road's sidewalk. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH ROOM FOR YOU TO DO THAT IN BETWEEN CLASSES. They constantly have to slam on their breaks and end up hitting people (me). MAN UP, PUT ON A HELMET, AND RIDE IN THE STREET LIKE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO.

The President KNOWS WHAT'S UP!

4. Dudes that wear aviators. You look like a douche. Take them off.

...until next time.

Yours in complaining.


King Kong ain't got NOTHIN' on my cupcakes!

Lazy Friday mid-morning...sitting in Kresge...not working...pretending to look busy...eating a chicken-tarragon baguette sandwich and chips...trying not to fall asleep...

Life lesson: never start a baking project with an 11 year old. They will get bored after five minutes and then you'll have to make 65 red velvet cupcakes/65 mini chocolate cupcakes with a chocolate glaze all alone. And then said child will sit in the dining room doing "homework" whilst shouting about skunks getting into the vents. And demanding sips of my diet coke (read: gulps).

I even put the cream cheese frosting into a frosting bag thing and made it swirly like that.

Have discovered a love of baking, and a hatred for creaming sugar and butter.

House sitting in Highland Park this weekend. I like doing stuff like that cause it's super easy money, but it's also slightly uncomfortable. I tend to set myself up in one room and stay there for the rest of the time as to avoid interacting too much with other peoples' stuff. I'm always afraid I'm going to open a closet and discover a cache of diamonds and or/human remains. And maybe a sweatshop being run in the basement.

this is probably NOT legal.

Things that are stupid:
1. Valentine's day

...that is all.

I now feel sick from aforementioned lunch. Chicken tarragon baguette sandwich thing + Dorito's + diet coke = tummy ache and a desire to go lay in bed in the fetal position for a couple of hours.

The good news: I haven't fallen over in the past couple of days.

I have to go to "Culture Origins" and get me some learning...abbreviated entry today but I'll try to do better next time.

Hero of the day: Michelle Tanner, for making my childhood brighter.

I know, it's a cop out, but I'm running late.

Currently listening to: nothing...I'm at "work"
Currently reading: nothing. Any suggestions?
Currently craving: Tums.

Awkward for me.

Peace, Love, and wellness.


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Billy Mays did NOT make this

To begin with, it is currently 60 degrees in Evanston. SIXTY. DEGREES. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, not because I was delirious from only getting four hours of sleep, but because the sun was shining and my parka was nestled away in the closet, destined not to see the outside world today.

What's that? Thursday's high is 40? FML.

Tuesday's totals (thus far)
# of falls: 2
# of diet cokes: 3
# of episodes of Spongebob Square Pants watched: 2
# of times I said the phrase "OLIVIA GARCIA BARTON STOP IT RIGHT NOW!": 6
# of minutes in the carpool line spent staring at Liv's science teacher*: 5.25

*Said science teacher is ridiculously hot and I would ask you NOT to judge me here. Unless you've already judged me, in which case, JUST WAIT TILL YOU SEE HIM HE IS HOT.

Today's first fall was pretty epic, as it involved my having to change clothes cause I slipped on a patch of ice and then right into a 7:49 a.m.

Second fall: getting out of my car at the NU parking lot (not a half an hour later) involved banging my back on the edge of door and having to hold still for a moment thinking that I was paralyzed, realizing I was fine, and then realizing that one of the sanitation guys was watching me and laughing. FML.

Katie: What's in that bag, Liv?
Livi: That's for me to know and you not to EVER know.
K: That's annoying. What's in the bag?
L: I'm not telling you.
K: Seriously, I just want to know what's in the bag!
L: Too bad!
K: You are sooooo annoying.
L: You are too.
L: You know, if we ever got stuck in a snowstorm, we'd have everything we need in this car. Gum, water, cell phones, homework, and broken glass in case we need to bleed on something.
K: umm...what? What's IN THE BAG???
L: Blood is hot, so we could make something unfrozen. Duh.
K: That's really weird...what would we need to unfreeze?
L: Our fingers. That's why we'd cut them.
K: Good digression, but what's in that damn bag?
L: I'm not annoying, I'm a "DICKWAD!"
K: Where did you learn that word?
L: Your friend.
K: Which friend? Maggie?
L: No, Max.
K: I'm calling him. That is unacceptable.
K: If you don't tell me what's in the bag, I'm calling him.
[she then reaches across me, whilst I'm in control of a motor vehicle, and proceeds to punch me and hit me into submission]

All that was in the bag was her wet swimsuit, to which she said, "you have no self control"....I was thwarted and then pwned, by an 11 year old. Rawsome.

If you're like most people, you're probably wondering what to get me for my birthday (May 26). Let me give you a hint:


Scrabble. "Woven" for 65 points is a bitch. Alex is a bigger bitch for playing it.

GOING TO NYC FOR SPRING BREAK!!! MARCH 21-25!!!! I've never been to the big apple, but I have lots of exciting ideas about what it's going to be like. I picture a whirlwind of celebrities, elegant parties, and bagels...and do NOT want to hear otherwise.

It's going to be like this, but with more AWESOME!

Hero of the day: Count Chocula. Not because I like his cereal, but because a) he's repping hard for the vamps, and b) he's a style icon.

I've never tried his product, but DAMNIT if his hair isn't beautiful.

Currently listening to: radio based on "Girl Talk"
Currently Reading: Bel Canto by Ann Patchett
Currently Craving: Sweatpants and my book

= best. evening. ever.

Peace, Love, and Literature.


Thursday, February 5, 2009

Do you like this song?

The pressure to entertain you people is causing me to lay awake at night, contemplating what to discuss from my day; what to exclude; what languages to write it cause apparently German is pissing people off; what random thoughts I have that I should share; what random thoughts I have that I should keep to myself and never, ever tell people about...THE PRESSURE! IT'S TOO MUCH!

But, I digress.

This is what comes up when you google image "digression". I shall call him "Amos".
...what's better than Amos? The fact that the picture is from a site called that is dedicated to World of Warcraft forums....awkward for me, for Amos, and for Seth.

Livi quote of the day:

"When you wake me up in the morning, I need you to come into my room, stand by my bed, and make sure I'm awake. BEFORE I SIT UP I'm going to raise one arm and have you feel for my pulse."'s not as amusing if you know that she went on to explain that she needs to record her resting heart rate, so I'm just going to leave that out. Just imagine sleeping Livi, blankets completely covering her head (she likes to burrow under blankets), extending one tiny little arm out from under her pillow for her doting Nanny to record her resting heart rate. Classic.

I aspire to live a life of leisure in early 20th century India as an English Dandy.

Minus the extraordinary literary career, plus India, plus a couple Elephants = Katie

If I have twins, and lord help me if I do, I'm going to name them Artemis and Apollo. Even if they're two boys/two girls. Which begs the question, should I be allowed to have children?

OMG it's my kids! (Thanks to Amy for bringing this subject up. Apollo and Artemis will be best friends with Homer and Virgil. We should never procreate.)

How much Diet Coke is too much Diet Coke? I never want to know the answer to that question.

I accidentally answered a question in my German class, to which the answer was "two and a half (zwei und halb)" with "two and heif". FML.

I aspire to answer all of life's questions on this mofo. So if you have anything you'd like me to address, I'll do my darndest to accommodate you. Not that I have all the answers, but I have all the answers (i.e: the chicken) now offers grammar, math, geography, and several foreign language quizzes. Go there, do good. An Olivia's favorite food is white rice with enough soy sauce to drown in, just fyi.

Hero of the day: Dev Patel. Star of Slumdog Millionaire, former star of my fav BBC soap Skins, poised and funny on The Daily Show, and potential (definite) future husband of ME. Awkward and creepy cause a) he's 18, and b) I don't "know" him? Yep. Does that stop me? Nope.

I cried when he kissed her scar. FML.

Currently listening to: based on M83
Currently reading: Bel Canto by Ann Patchett
Currently craving: the end to this horrid week.

Peace, Love, and the Weekend.


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Katie Solves the World Economic Crisis

...via spending copious amounts of her hard earned money* at Nordstrom. I spent my afternoon getting lost in the racks of overpriced denim and dresses by Diane von Furstenberg that make me want to sell my kidneys in order to call them mine and see them hanging in my closet...And yes, I do feel as dirty for admitting that as you do for reading it. FML.

"But Katie, why did you leave me on the rack? YOU COULD'VE SAVED THE ECONOMY!"

* A message to my aunts: I spent nearly none of MY money...I spent gift cards. So really, I'm not solving any crisis except the one raging in my head as to what to buy with my Christmas gift cards. So don't freak out. K? K. Now you've made me admit that I'm a liar.

But, here is what I bought with Hannah's gift card/Aunt Pat and Aunt Julie's gift card:

Michael by Michael Kors "Camden" platform... they're like buttah

A conversation with Olivia about lingerie:
Where: Kitchen
Who: Katie and Liv
When: ca. 7:20 a.m

Livi: [looking at an US Weekly page with lingerie on it]: That is inappropriate.
Katie: Yeah,'s a magazine. I dunno.
Livi: It's weird looking...
Katie: The worst thing about stuff like that is how uncomfortable it is! And no one even really sees it.
Livi: Well, some people see it!
Livi: Yeah, ok, but sometimes not. People get crazy in Las Vegas!
Katie: Vegas?
Livi: Yes! I don't know what people do there! It's crazy!

Livi, on "Barney, the Dinosaur" and why he is no longer on TV:
"They found drugs and cigars in his tail. That's why he got canceled."

He's got cigars. In his tail.

Tuesdays...woof. Up at 6:45 --> pulled on the same sweat pants I was wearing yesterday --> breakfast for Liv--> lunch for liv (strawberries, cheese and crackers, yogo bites. Yum??) --> Diet Coke for Katie --> Drop off at Baker --> Back to NU for German --> Failure at German quiz --> Work --> Class --> Shopping -->Pick up Liv at Baker --> home --> Homework --> blogging....

future plans include: more homework; driving Livi to soccer, then picking her up; spinning; shower; dinner; BED. Hot damn, I lead an exciting life.

Today's failtastic event: So, I'm sitting in my German class, minding my own business, spacing out, when I get asked, "Carolin, wo wohnst du?" (Katie, where do you live?) to which I respond, "Ich wohne in Evanston." "Ja, klar..." (Yes, clearly...) says Frau Meuser, and then follows up with, "Aber, WO wohnst du? Im Apartment? Im Haus?" Naturally, the correct response is, "Ich wohne im Haus." Unfortunately, I said, "Ich wohne im Apartment." So, I quickly covered up and shout, "Nein! Ich wohne im Haus..." I already look like an idiot who doesn't know where she lives, but WAIT there's more! With the other twelve students now staring at me, Frau Meuser asks if I have any roommates. Now, I could just move on with my life and have said "no". Unfortunately for me, I said, "Ja! Ich habe drei mitbewohnerin." (Yeah! I have three roommates). "Wie?" (Who?)...and this is where the story takes a turn for the worst. I blurt out, "Fuck! No! I mean, Ich habe kein Mitbewohner....Oh god! I said fuck! I'm sorry!" Yep. That's how I roll. Swearing at my teachers. Frau Meuser, though a little stunned, looked at me and said, "du hast kein Mitbewohner, order drei?" (You have no roommates, or three?) To which I respond, "Shit, I...ich wohne mit meine Tante und meine Kusine. Shit, I just swore again! Oh my god I'm so sorry! I'm just really tired...this isn't going well. I'm sorry. Shit. I'm sorry." Frau Meuser just sort of looked at me and said, "oh, Carolin!!" before turning away, clearly befuddled at my lack of ability to speak German AND English. Not only do my classmates now think I live in some sort of crazy house with maybe some other people, or maybe not, but they also think that I have turrets. F. M. L.

Hero of the day: Gertrude Bell. This is one hell of a lady. An archaeologist and historian at a time when both fields were considered "boys clubs", she was known for exploring Ancient Babylonian archaeological sites with camels laden with trunks full of pearls, furs, and china. After World War I, Bell, alongside the likes of T.E Lawrence (aka Lawrence of Arabia) and Winston Churchill, took part in a conference to decide the fate of Ottoman lands. She became the friggin' DIRECTOR OF ANTIQUITIES IN IRAQ and founded the Iraq Archaeological Museum. What a BAMF!

That's right Churchill, I want to appoint Faisal the King. Done and done. Now, where are my pearls, bitches?

Currently listening to: You're So Vain by Carley Simon (Livi put it on her's awkward for everyone)
Currently reading: Audacity of Hope by President Obama
Currently craving: Spring.

It's like the flowers are mocking me. FUCK YOU TOO, DAFFODILS!

Peace, Love, and douchebag perennials.


Monday, February 2, 2009

BACK! And better than ever. Oh wait...FML

First, I apologize to my loyal readers for my lack of posts. After I got back from DC, I discovered that I'd lost all of my creative juices (having apparently left them in the black hole of Ben's apartment) and had no energy or desire to update.

But just like Britney, I'm ready for a comeback.

It's Katie, bitch.

Happy Groundhog's day. I just spent ten minutes trying to find out if the groundhog saw his shadow or not today, but all I could find was a video of Michael Bloomberg trying to wrestle "Chuck" (Staten Island's groundhog) out of his home with a corncob. While slightly humorous, it gave me no indication of whether or not this godforsaken, horrid, bitch of a winter will continue for another six weeks or not. Given that we're in Chicago and the gods hate me, I am predicting that there will be another six weeks (at least) of this arctic tundra.

My new mantra: F M L. It's the new "Epic Fail" . I use it so often in texts that it's worked itself into my text dictionary. That in itself is worth another "FML". Aunt Julie, ask Aunt Tina what it means. Aunt Tina, ask Hope/Grace. I'm getting it tattooed across my forehead.

Inauguration...more like, stuck in a tunnel for five hours...
- woke at 4:55 a.m after sleeping for about forty five minutes
- couldn't find two socks, so I wore my Sorel boots with only one sock on
- couldn't find a hat
- fell into Ben's desk and broke it
- was shut in a tunnel with thousands of people, including a Max who told me I "smell like airplane food"
- was shut in a tunnel with thousands of people without any volunteers, cops, or other authoritative figures
- was shut in a tunnel with thousands of people and was convinced there was going to be a riot and I would get trampled to death, and the last thing my eyes would set upon was the obnoxious red bandanna that Max wouldn't take off
- didn't get into the purple ticket area where we were supposed to be because several cops and secret service people told me and Max that the purple section was closed
- ended up standing outside in the biting cold listening to Obama's swearing in via an old radio
- had to walk back three miles from the capitol, sans historical observation point memories, plus one friend who is cranky when he is hungry.

This was my vantage point: Armageddon.

However, all was made well when we went to the Staff Ball the next night. Glorious. I'd post pictures, but in true FML form my camera died right when Obama came on stage to address his loyal staffers (and me). Jay-Z performed and we were so close we could see the sweat on Hov's mighty countenance.

I would like to send a shout out to the residents of 24th and M apartment #813- they housed and fed me for almost a week, and didn't even get mad when I broke an entire bottle of rum all over the kitchen. LUMI BEN!!!!

My new raison d'etre: the nineties.

Olmec says you've won a sweet new pair of BK RATCH TECHS for finding the golden nose ring of Babe the Blue Ox

Still obsessed with ellipses...

Thoughts on the superbowl: I don't give a fuck unless it's a team I care about. Thus, last night's game was full of spacing out, thinking about vampires and my German quiz, and wondering whether or not it was healthy to eat an entire batch of chocolate chip cookies (answer? yes. Yes it is.). The best part was the commercial for "Career Builder" where a koala gets punched in the face. I laughed so hard I almost pulled a Kathy Garcia and peed in my pants.

"Oh Dear!" And then it got punched.

I want to go to Cubs spring training for spring break. Who's with me? Derrek Lee? Ryan Theriot? Let's carpool with Fontenot! And Scott Eyre? Oh wait, you're on the reigning world champion Phillies now. FML.

Classes shmasses. What up second semester senior? Oh wait, I'm on quarters. And I have an extra quarter to finish. What up pseudo-junior year almost done but not quite with either of my majors? FML.

And so, ice is back with a brand new edition of failtastic adventures.

Hero of the day: Julia Ships for starting a blog and adding to my list of procrastination tools and upping the level of times I laugh in a day.

It's only scary if you notice the knife.

Currently listening to: Livi's math lesson
Currently reading: Audacity of Hope by Barack Hussein Obama


Peace, love, and the Gunners.